Law of Attraction #MyLifeUpdates35

 NP: Tenderness - Elia Lo Monaco

Hi, I'm back.

It's not been a long ago, but I feel like I need something to take my burdens out of my body. To cut a long story short, I feel left out, abandoned, lonely...

It's inevitable that the journey this time sucks, my one side fingers even can count how many friends left beside me reaching the same path as me. It is so sad, IT IS. Besides, I'm also haunted by so many destructive thoughts as if it was my destiny, to be alone, to be left. I'm so happy if my friends achieve their dreams, but God, could you please give me the chance to reach it too? Please?

19 June 2025 is marked as the LPDP announcement day. I really want to get accepted, but at the same time I'm worried it it's too much to ask. But one of my closest friends just told me that I need to apply "Law of Attraction".

So, let's try?

Dreaming with A Broken Heart #MyLifeUpdates34

 #NP Star - Colde

Today, June 4, 2025, in one of skyscrapers in South Jakarta, Indonesia, with unforeseeable weather..

I still can feel how hot the sun was shining in this morning, while I needed to head to work and did all urgent errands. But look at the sky now, it's gloomy, cloudy, hmm freezing? But not as cold as my dream country today, Australia..

There are tons of things happen lately, even my head doesn't able to count it all. I started this year, 2025, with an extremely positive energy. I was super confident with my future, I was super energized, I was ready to go to wars, I was.. But all those feelings sometimes couldn't bear the pain I hid. I thought if I had a healthy love story, it wouldn't give me sad stories and would light up my life, but I am totally wrong. My future, my plans, my ambition, it hits harder than I've ever thought..

I forget if I have mentioned it on my blog here, but I tried to make those dreams come true since 2022, counted as the 3rd year of my pursuing the hard-to-predict dreams.  I had 3 closest friends who I met at EF and all of them are at the place they long for. I have no one, I'm alone, I struggle only with myself now. BUUUTTT, let's catch some hot news up!!!

I finally made up my mind and decided to give LPDP a shot! I enrolled their partial funding program and finished all required steps, such as administration and interview. As now, I'm waiting for the final announcement which will be out on June 19. I asked my friend about the time, and they said it's usually announced at night. Soooooo, please please with my luck! 

Subsequently, I also tried to apply for AAS and prepared it super in time so I wouldn't feel burnt out. Tell you what, I found out that my TOEFL iBT wasn't meet the requirement on the 20-ish days before the due date!!! lololololol... I felt so devastated and cried out loud in front of my hubby (thank you bububb for cheering me up). But with the support from my husband and close friends, I eventually took the IELTS test with 12-ish preparation days....

Anddddd look at meeee, I got overall 7.5 with speaking 7 writing 7 (it's God's help) listening 7.5 and reading 8.5 (LMAOOO). I studied so hard to fix my reading since my 2 previous english test (TOEFL iBT and IELTS GT) gave my the lowest score among other sections on reading. AND I FINALLY MADE IT AND AM ABLE TO SUBMIT MY APPLICATION TO AAS!!! THANK GOD THANK GOD THANK GOD!!

Wise people said we need to compare ourselves to ours in the past, not to other people's life. But the thing is I am quite comfortable looking up at my high school friend. She, at least from my perspective, is living in the life I want to have. I'm envy, but in a positive way. She lights me up as if she told me to not give up. Besides, looking at how far I've come, I'm really proud of my english LOLLLLLL. I even don't have to think twice to write sentences in English. It's okay Al, sometimes you need to be confident and accept the result of your hard work!!!!!!! it might be not perfect, but it can help you to study at the university that you've been dreaming offffff.............

Then, here we are, I'm still waiting for the result while revising my current motivation letter for the next batch of LPDP. I indeed don't let my hope up in purpose. As long as I tried my best, it's okay to encounter another failure (talking to myself). But God, please, make my plan becomes easier and feasible for me to execute.....

Sometimes I feel like I will def miss my current habit now, as a corporate legal, living in the city I love, with tons of shopping malls lolololol. Bismillah, I'm ready, living with the wait for only God knows how long... Bismillah, 2025, please be my year.

ps: thank you for reading. I don't re-check my writing so please bare my mistakes lol. Ciao~

Warmest regards,

Al :)

Trust #MyLifeUpdates33

#NP: Swim Far - Kana Wakareno

It's really uncomfortable, I start growing this disbelief. You spelled so many magic words, I refused it. You tried to get my heart back, then I ignored it cause I'm worried that it's gonna be lies..

Second Life #MyLifeUpdates32

NP: Jiwaku Sekuntum Bunga Kemboja - Panji Sakti

Kesal. Manusiawi kah?

Kesal karena tidak semua hal bisa diperbaiki.

Kesal karena tidak semua hal bisa dikenang baik.

Kesal karena tidak semua keputusan, tidak membekas..

Jariku kaku, lidahku kelu, otakku merespon terlalu banyak adrenalin diwaktu bersamaan yang belakangan kutau sebagai hipotalamus.

Aku marah, tapi kepada siapa aku curahkan?

Aku kecewa, tapi bagaimana cara menyampaikannya?

Aku sesak, tapi…

Ego rasanya ingin kembali, rasanya ingin memaafkan, rasanya ingin menyentuh. Tapi..

Sebagian diriku yang lain merespon berbeda. Seakan berbisik kalau semuanya telah usai. 

Aku yang pengecut ini, malah memutuskan untuk menunda rasa sakit itu. Aku jalani, sambil menyakiti diri sendiri..

Ingin aku teriakkan semuanya kepadanya di versi yang sebelumnya, KENAPA?!

Kenapa bisa berpikir untuk mengambil tindakan yang tidak mengindahkan sebuah remisi.

Lalu, kenapa tidak memaki?, katanya..

Padahal, aku membiarkan diriku hancur, tanpa menariknya..

Pada akhirnya, aku hanyalah manusia cacat, yang tak berhak menerima perasaan.

Aku hanyalah sebuah buatan yang sedang tak menerima alur Tuhan.

Duniaku rupanya semu dan aku adalah pendongeng.

Visiku berwujud fana, tetapi terlalu nirwana.

Rupaku tak tergores, disentuh, hilang….

Disappointments #MyLifeUpdates31

 Hi..

As always, I usually come back to this blog since I feel blue, and it happens rn. Cuaca Jakarta belakangan ini gak menentu, kalau terik rasanya panas banget, tapi begitu sore selalu mendung. Gak menentu memang and sadly that's why I feel. Idk what's God's plan for me, but it's extremely confusing (and sometimes hurtful). It makes me keep questioning him, why? when? how? God, please...

Aku lupa entah aku pernah ceritain atau belum, aku sudah jadi Junior Manager nih di kantorku. Beberapa minggu lalu (atau bulan ya), aku dapet cubical aku sendiri. Way more private, way more comfortable. However, I somehow feel that I don't belong here. I wanna level up, I wanna pursue my dream, to live abroad...

I start losing senses of living in here, I'm getting sad of my friends leaving Indonesia either to study or work abroad, keep coming back telling when my time comes. I face so many failures, rejections, and so on. My feeling was sometimes good when I got any pathways to go out and I think the universe don't let me go, it turned out disappointing...

Aku sadar sih kalau hidup aku sekarang itu mungkin aja hidup yang diimpi-impikan orang lain, but this statement doesn't heal this severe disappointment. I keep wandering out and telling myself that everything's gonna be fine. But, I don't know how long I can keep standing up.

seasons: wave to earth #MyLifeUpdates30

It's been a while since my last post here, so I decided to give you some updates regarding my life and plan here. Today, super gloomy, with cloudy skies and soft breeze could transport me into a new unknown realm. Anyway, I'm married on my 6th anniversary day.

Life seems unpredictable lately, I am amazed by how the universe changes me, myself. I'm happy and worried simultaneously which I couldn't even describe properly. I'm in the wait and see mode, waiting for another surprise. I'm still working at the same office, with a person who hella irritates me. I'm about to go to OZ, so finger crossed it will happen in the near future.

Furthermore, I'd like to let you know that one of my best friends will accompany me during my new journey in OZ. I feel so happy if my team is complete since it will give me strength to earn more money lol. Instead of feeling nervous, I start thinking to travel somewhere. I need to get out of here and inhale some fresh air which comes from a city that I never visit before.

Thus, I will calculate my expense and prepare for another trip that I yearn for lol. I'll keep you posted if something unique happens. 

Cheers,

Alda.

Waltz for Hulot Pt. 2 #MyLifeUpdates29

 Mungkin tulisan ini benar-benar akan menjadi tulisan yang pendek. Sebenarnya aku males untuk journaling, but I need to keep persistent and write it based on my to do list.

I started this day with joy and grateful feelings. I woke up healthy, I could poop and pee, and I just missed 1 thing from my previous to do list which was to listening to podcast. Everything was fine and my work wasn’t that much. I bought 2 pieces of donut and 4 pieces soes cake (idk if it’s the correct name of that cake). Even I went home in time and arrived at my boarding house at 5.15 PM. Such a relieve, isn’t it?

Then the nightmare was started. I took a class which discussed listening section of TOEFL. Tell you what, I messed it up. I hate myself for being dumb no matter how hard I tried and studied. Frankly, I’m a bit stress and start questioning myself like I have the ability to speak fluently. However, when it comes to a memorized-structure conversation, I’m inclined to forget everything and being blank. It feels like something drag me down into darkness which makes me toughtless and act senseless.

Nevertheless, I’m determined to TACKLE THIS. Starting tomorrow, I’ll be practicing it twice a day! Go to hell you listening bitj!

I’ll keep you posted okay. Please pray for me and wish me luck. Keep it up Alda! I love you!