Trust #MyLifeUpdates33

#NP: Swim Far - Kana Wakareno

It's really uncomfortable, I start growing this disbelief. You spelled so many magic words, I refused it. You tried to get my heart back, then I ignored it cause I'm worried that it's gonna be lies..

Second Life #MyLifeUpdates32

NP: Jiwaku Sekuntum Bunga Kemboja - Panji Sakti

Kesal. Manusiawi kah?

Kesal karena tidak semua hal bisa diperbaiki.

Kesal karena tidak semua hal bisa dikenang baik.

Kesal karena tidak semua keputusan, tidak membekas..

Jariku kaku, lidahku kelu, otakku merespon terlalu banyak adrenalin diwaktu bersamaan yang belakangan kutau sebagai hipotalamus.

Aku marah, tapi kepada siapa aku curahkan?

Aku kecewa, tapi bagaimana cara menyampaikannya?

Aku sesak, tapi…

Ego rasanya ingin kembali, rasanya ingin memaafkan, rasanya ingin menyentuh. Tapi..

Sebagian diriku yang lain merespon berbeda. Seakan berbisik kalau semuanya telah usai. 

Aku yang pengecut ini, malah memutuskan untuk menunda rasa sakit itu. Aku jalani, sambil menyakiti diri sendiri..

Ingin aku teriakkan semuanya kepadanya di versi yang sebelumnya, KENAPA?!

Kenapa bisa berpikir untuk mengambil tindakan yang tidak mengindahkan sebuah remisi.

Lalu, kenapa tidak memaki?, katanya..

Padahal, aku membiarkan diriku hancur, tanpa menariknya..

Pada akhirnya, aku hanyalah manusia cacat, yang tak berhak menerima perasaan.

Aku hanyalah sebuah buatan yang sedang tak menerima alur Tuhan.

Duniaku rupanya semu dan aku adalah pendongeng.

Visiku berwujud fana, tetapi terlalu nirwana.

Rupaku tak tergores, disentuh, hilang….

Disappointments #MyLifeUpdates31

 Hi..

As always, I usually come back to this blog since I feel blue, and it happens rn. Cuaca Jakarta belakangan ini gak menentu, kalau terik rasanya panas banget, tapi begitu sore selalu mendung. Gak menentu memang and sadly that's why I feel. Idk what's God's plan for me, but it's extremely confusing (and sometimes hurtful). It makes me keep questioning him, why? when? how? God, please...

Aku lupa entah aku pernah ceritain atau belum, aku sudah jadi Junior Manager nih di kantorku. Beberapa minggu lalu (atau bulan ya), aku dapet cubical aku sendiri. Way more private, way more comfortable. However, I somehow feel that I don't belong here. I wanna level up, I wanna pursue my dream, to live abroad...

I start losing senses of living in here, I'm getting sad of my friends leaving Indonesia either to study or work abroad, keep coming back telling when my time comes. I face so many failures, rejections, and so on. My feeling was sometimes good when I got any pathways to go out and I think the universe don't let me go, it turned out disappointing...

Aku sadar sih kalau hidup aku sekarang itu mungkin aja hidup yang diimpi-impikan orang lain, but this statement doesn't heal this severe disappointment. I keep wandering out and telling myself that everything's gonna be fine. But, I don't know how long I can keep standing up.

seasons: wave to earth #MyLifeUpdates30

It's been a while since my last post here, so I decided to give you some updates regarding my life and plan here. Today, super gloomy, with cloudy skies and soft breeze could transport me into a new unknown realm. Anyway, I'm married on my 6th anniversary day.

Life seems unpredictable lately, I am amazed by how the universe changes me, myself. I'm happy and worried simultaneously which I couldn't even describe properly. I'm in the wait and see mode, waiting for another surprise. I'm still working at the same office, with a person who hella irritates me. I'm about to go to OZ, so finger crossed it will happen in the near future.

Furthermore, I'd like to let you know that one of my best friends will accompany me during my new journey in OZ. I feel so happy if my team is complete since it will give me strength to earn more money lol. Instead of feeling nervous, I start thinking to travel somewhere. I need to get out of here and inhale some fresh air which comes from a city that I never visit before.

Thus, I will calculate my expense and prepare for another trip that I yearn for lol. I'll keep you posted if something unique happens. 

Cheers,

Alda.